comfy

so today we returned to our cafe spot and have been here since about noon, it's now around 5:30.  it's really delightful, with great carrot cake to boot!

And yesterday, i climbed the Great Wall. You can not even imagine how crazy it all is. It's so weird cause you can only see so little of it at even given time so it's almost impossible to understand the scope of it all and we only went to one section. Thank god it was one of the less touristy spots but even so there was a fair amount of people.

The hike up, meu deus, talk about endurance. It was pretty tough for some of us, but i was actually really surprised how easy i found it, i mean relatively. I really think i was just so amazed by it all that i couldn't even feel tired, i was just enjoying it, there was a section where i was even running!  I really just couldn't believe how incredible it all was.  I took 80 million pictures and couldn't even begin to capture it all.  And the craziest part for me was understanding how old it all was, i just kept trying to imagine it, 500 years ago, and even beyond that, them building it. I mean, it's up in the mountains, like on the top ridges of them, i have no idea how they got it all up there and just created such a crazy thing when they did. and i found i think one of the biggest reasons i came to China, to understand the people and the language that created such things so far ahead of everyone else and then reverted into a stagnant, violent stage and now are enjoying the same sort of progress but starting from such a different place and using other's processes and technology and making them their own.

I just don't think i could even begin to imagine how they did it all and made it through it all without this time to understand their culture and language which is rooted in so much and so much a part of them, as it is with anyone. The overwhelming feeling when i was there was that i KNEW i would be back, it all felt new but it felt like i knew this wouldn't be the last time.

And it definitely was not the last time that i would take the luge/toboggan/slide thing back down!! No other way to go! Swear to gAHd if those stupid slow chicks hadn't been in front of Alex, who was in front of me, i would have bolted down that sucker at break neck speed. I got a fair amount of speed, but clearly not as much as i would have liked.

I'll try and get pictures up as soon as i have them.   

lovely

life is lovely but i have to study for my big ugly test tomorrow but i really wanna put a picture so i'm gonna snag the ones we have up on facebook for fun!

These are from the Forbidden City (i'm with my fave's here -Sarah, Alex, Sydney, Jess, & Wei Lian (aka pooh bear))

i lied, Sarah's taking the picture

but no big just guardin the gate!

better

i knew it would happen, and it is, things are already better, i've had bad days but on more reflection it's more good than bad

i'm finally able to jump into conversations and while the dictations are tough and i'm having to spend more time studying than i would want to, I am actually able to say it's gettin somewhere cause i got a 91 on my test and i feel like i'm in a good place, i do need to stop comparing myself though, it's my natural competitiveness kicking in

in other news, i feel in a much better place with those around me. i am always surprised how who i am comes through even when i can hardly speak or understand what's going on around me! aha

but on Friday night we went for karaoke and dear me, what a time! it was really great we hopped on a bus with a TON of us and crammed into this tiny room and just sang for like 2 and a half hours, let's just say there were tambourines, the Spice Girls and a lot of dancing involved.

then Saturday we got up early and ran around the Forbidden City and Tienanmen Square, which were both incredible and the forbidden city was ENDLESS! i mean it just doesn't look that big on maps, i tell you w-hat! (side note: Sweet Caroline is playing on my iTunes right now and i'm in my Beckett Red Sox T-shirt...it's taking everything i possess not to jump up and down and scream the song! Be impressed by my restraint)

anywho Saturday we finally went out and of course it was fun, good times dancing and whatnot but i almost had more fun when we were all just hanging out drinking together in a room, too crowded, loud and WONDERFUL! aha i did have a highlight of the night, and not the sort you'd expect either.
when we were at the bar there was this man that came through selling some random trinkets and you know i hate it that we've all become so good at ignoring these sorts of people...and i hate that i do it too. but anywho, i was pondering all this and am NEVER good at disguising my emotions on my face and someone noticed and then when i explained that it was because of the man, they actually went to try and find the man that had since left to just give him some money.
and i don't know, it just really got to me...i really like that there are other people who are still trying to care, i understand why people don't want to give them money and sometimes i don't either, but most of the time i just feel guilty that i have so much and others have so little and i don't feel more inclined to help them. but it was just so wonderful too to see that there are other people who also aren't tired of trying... like it's exhausting sometimes to think about these difficult things so much and it seems easier to worry more about the little things that concern us from the day to day than the huge problems of the world.
i just really feel like making one person's day IS just as important and significant as changing the whole world, because to that person, what you did could have meant the world. and was just really encouraging to see someone else that also acts as if that were true.

anywho, sunday was lovely because we found Lush, a Westerners hangout complete with Ginger Ale and Grilled Chicken sandwiches and then this coffee shop that reminded me tons of little cafe's in Montreal and will be my new study spot.
in short, it's exciting to find different things in new parts of town because it makes me feel like i can wrap my head around beijing just a little bit more! which is completely crucial to my sanity!
and now i have to go spend about 7-8 hours studying and finishing my homework...

wah wah

please tell me you're well!

thoughts

i'm kinda annoyed because for some reason the internet won't actually let me look at my blog, just SLIGHTLY irritating
but anywho, after the 3rd day things are falling into a comfortable rhythm, i am annoyed that it seems like people want to talk to me but i can't understand them and they get bored with repeating themselves, which is completely understandable but sucks

in other news, i've been trying to find the motivation to do all this work, which is a lot, today we had a test on characters that we had only seen in the book and had to teach ourselves last night! we talked about them today and i think i would've done significantly better on my dictation had i had the kind of exposure with them yesterday that i had with them today, i just can't learn as well when i'm just looking at them myself and not really making any connections to anything i've done.

also, i feel out of it because of the language barrier and don't like that i feel like people are quick to dismiss me for that reason, like some people that i know well and would consider friends just walked by in a big group like they were going somewhere, i don't know where, but they didn't even say hey or pop into my room, which i guess i'm just not used to.
and one in particular is annoying the hell out of me, one of the aforementioned people who i don't really consider a friend or whatever who is always in a sour mood it seems, she doesn't even thinly veil her dislike for me, and i don't know what i have done to merit it, and i can't ask because well, i can't speak; but everything she says is condescending and sounds annoyed, we can be walking down the hall together and she won't even talk to me, she quips with any question i ask and it just seems random and mean. (two things i don't like in conjunction)

i know it's just a bad day, and that i'm letting it be so, but i dont' have the strength right now to pull myself out
and i guess i'm starting to look for the reason i'm putting myself through all of this, i know why i went, but maybe this time it's not enough that i felt like i wanted to and felt like i should... it's not that it's all bad, it's great and i do like learning Chinese, but i don't know, for some reason this environment is not as perfect as i thought it would be, for whatever reason...

i think though that maybe i shouldn't be looking for a purpose in everything in the first week, i need to be patient and open and positive, i feel like the problem is that i'm LETTING myself get into a bad spot but the problem is right now, i don't see why i shouldn't be slash what i have to motivate me to pull myself out...

and i don't like that i feel more negative right now than i have in some time...it's unfamiliar and ucky! and that's about as eloquent as i can be in even english right now.

Finally

so i haven't been able to update for a bit because the internet's a little nutty but a lot has gone on since i last posted, as is the case every day...

so the last time we met our heroine she was getting settled into her digs, in attempts to get some essential items for said "digs," i went to the Carrefour or supermarket (but a French company oddly enough) and of course once we got there and were getting ready to leave it was raining cats and dogs or maos and gous; so we were trying to wait it out and then we were just gonna make a run for a taxi, and then decided to just RUN ahah obviously a GREAT idea..within seconds we were completely soaked and in a little underground pass (which they have all over the city so you can cross the streets that are like 8-10 lanes) i completely wiped out because of my no traction flip flops and the shin-high water! really i was dying, but i got up quickly cause that was some of the dirtiest water i'd seen in some time!

got back and finally met my roommate who is incredibly sweet if a little much and also incredibly willing to help me learn; i really think we'll get along swell

and i've also gotten to know some of the other people in the program better and they're really great; i'm trying not to compare them to my incredible exchange friends because we're here in a very different capacity and thus, sharing some different experiences. i think one of the biggest differences is that now that we are under the language pledge (which can get you sent home if broken and overheard 3 times) it's not like my fellow exchangers in Brasil who were the only ones i could speak english with comfortably because here it's strictly verboten

there are only 3 out of 70 of us who have no prior Chinese and are starting from scratch, at first i thought it was great, i still do but while we were still able to speak English (up until yesterday (sunday)) we, or at least I got some jokes about it, along the lines of "oh, i can only talk to you for another day" which i found very odd... and also illustrated one of the other differences between here and rotex: a certain level of competition; which is i guess understandable, because if this were my major or my only foreign language or career path i might be more serious about it all...but at the same time, i don't think it needs to spill over to other people and that if you take something like this too seriously, you miss out on some great experiences and friends

and perhaps that's reflective of what i stake my worth in, i see the value in people and knowledge through experience and experimentation and just exploring and being and others seem more worth in other things...either way i was just a bit taken aback, and although it's not the majority, and mostly came from people who i already find not entirely worth much interest; but i've gotten it enough to become slightly defensive about it all, which i didn't expect to revert to at all while here

but on the other hand i've met some pretty awesome people who are really interesting and i can't wait till Weds. @ 8 (we get an english break 8-10 in the activity room) to talk to again!! aha

i mean i really feel like i'm picking it up fairly quickly, like i'm able to understand some phrases and words in conversations and i've only had one day of lessons...it's just going to take patience with myself and understanding of where i am and where i can be, and also dedication to study extra to get myself into conversations quicker

the only thing that has frustrated me more than anything was that they decided it'd be a great idea to take us first years and make us sit at a table by ourselves with our teachers IN THE CORNER for the first 2 weeks, i was laughing to keep from crying because people kept coming up to sit with us and i had to mime that we were by ourselves until they remembered and left,
like we're already isolated because we don't speak the language, the table separation and teachers just make me feel like i did something bad by not taking Chinese previously.
i mean having been in this sort of situation before, it's really the most helpful to just be around other people who are speaking the language and try and work out what you can of the conversation... i honestly wanted to talk to the director about how shitty we all obviously felt and it was evident on our faces and in our demeanors ( i could not even disguise it and they kept asking me if i was tired, because i was spacing out and trying to not just yell BUT they say it's only for 2 weeks....( i see that as a quarter of my time here....)

i've decided today though to avoid that feeling in the future i'm just going to look at as an opportunity to ask questions and get help from my teachers, which was i'm sure their intention in the first place, as poorly as i feel it was carried out
but in the midst of all this, at the end of lunch i got the hug that i'd been needing all day and life was just that much better, it really did just make my life and i'll probably be needing one of those everyday for the first month!

and then i just went to stretch and dance to get it all out, but i had bad energy so it wasn't my best session ever...i just need to start stretching and doing little stuff every day to keep this slightly greasy food off of me! ahaha and to get out everything pent up

however!! there were times today when i was in the class and just so excited to be learning new things, and when i could feel myself learning it was an awesome feeling. i really was stoked to be getting parts of it and even though i had nervous butterflies every time i had to speak i also had excited ones and i'll let those over power the others

and you know my other favorite thing is watching people and people with other people and people's reaction to people and it's a very interesting dynamic here...amongst us students and within the city...it's so interesting to analyze people when they're in these odd and extreme circumstances and i don't mean to sound like a creep it's just CURIOUS! and as always, funny to me

in short, things are tough, i'm getting tough, other things are awesome and i love taking it all in!

Final Ponderings and First Impressions

On the Plane…

I’d forgotten this feeling, i didn’t even remember that I’d ever had it, but it’s back,

THAT feeling, the one where you realize you are really actually alive and breathing, every part of your body feels comfortable and real and present and content,

every thought is happy and excited

and beyond that, self-aware: aware of every weakness and completely disregarding them because of the over-powering of all them in awareness of strengths, little ones, the ones that make you who you are and are why and how people remember you…

It’s not a boastful feeling, it’s not even a strong confidence, just a self-assuredness, not even to anyone else but only to yourself. And I get it now, flying over some part of the Artic…it literally rippled through me and it wasn’t just the lack of blood flow to my legs, I’m pretty sure. I LOVE everything about this

And I’m excited for the challenges, I’m not proving anything to anyone, it’s a challenge for myself and my strength and will and comfort and patience, all things I wanna work on in my life to improve myself and be a happier being.

I also like the fresh start that comes with new people…I toy around with the idea of being someone completely different, just to see how differently people react, but that doesn’t seem very nice, although I’m bent and determined to do it someday…I wonder how much would be a different me and how much would be a different PART of me, and it makes you wonder how much of you, how many parts people know of you…a curious idea

It’s weird I’ve got like 5 more hours on the plane that I’ve been on 7 hrs. but I skipped the night….last time I knew it was like 8 pm Illinois time… then we went over the edge of Alaska and it was 9 am…. I’m getting in at like 4 PM Beijing time, but that’s 2 in the am Illinois time…so calling my people might not be very nice

I’m not proud that I thought of but did not grab towels…not so bright on my part; I doubt they’ll have those for us, although they do have sheets and pillows and stuff, very curious all of it and it’s all an open ended question, I have no idea what to expect, but I’m excited

One of the things I’m most excited about is the opportunity to live with a Chinese student and have lunch and outings with them, and though we probably won’t bond hardcore because I’ll be incapable of a decent conversation for about a month; I’ll be let into their life for a bit, which is my FAVORITE part of travel.

I think these are going to alternate between novels and post-it notes. One thing I’m sure of though… I’ll sleep well tonight, if I can make it that far.

In my new home for the next 2 months...
i made it! and i've since met some awesome people and had the best 3 dollar dinner of my LIFE!
i'm one of only like 3 people that haven't taken Chinese and i'm pretty sure the only one who's never been to Asia! aha but it's a great laugh and this whole experience will be truly incredible! i started getting really excited as i walked off the plane and into the airport where everything was in Chinese and into the City...it's crazy and exciting! all of it!! i can't wait till tomorrow!

A l'aeroport!

I'm at the airport, at my gate, and it's finally hit me, where i'll be and when and how flipping LONG it will take to get there! ahaha no stops! just hours of ocean! i'll settle in with a couple movies, my ipod and my book and i'll get through it all in splendid fashion but it's finally starting to sink in where i'm about to go and what i'm about to do

i was kinda scared this morning, in this weird state of shock and daze...but now, i'm really excited!! i saw some of the other students and only knew because they were in the check in and had the same UPS envelopes or gate number but as soon as i got through security i headed for coffee and now i'm chillin and charging my computer, but i realized i forgot all my movies...not so much bright!
i think i'm gonna stalk and or speak to some of the students that i stalked and make new friends!!!

Pre-China

Exactly one week before i leave, i have too much in my head to put it into anything coherent, which this is never likely to be.

i guess i'm comparing my thoughts now to what they were before i went to brasil, and they're vastly different.
i'm more scared now than i was because i know so less of what to expect;
i'm more excited because this is some place that i've always wanted to go to;
i'm just as excited that i'm going to be at a school with other chinese students, living the same way they do, with them; i know i'm going to get every thing from their prospective;
i'm scared out of my mind because i don't know anything about Chinese the language, i've tried to listen to it as much as i can, and i'm trying to use my book and cd's...but it's not the same, i need to learn by doing and being;
which is why i'm most excited because i know as hard as it's going to be, i'm going to get more out of this then i can possibly imagine