just when you thought it was safe...

...to go back on your computer and harmlessly check your facebook! It's not safe because unfortunately for you, I'm not quite done yet! I've been back now over two weeks and the initial shock of things has worn off. Now, I'm just dealing with the aftershocks (which I just had to look up on google to make sure it was a real word and not just something I was making up). Now I'm not sure if this is like or UNlike an earthquake having never experienced one, but there's no warning for when these aftershocks occur. No signal to tell you, "you're about to be overwhelmed and confused in a completely normal situation!!" My moment the other day was watching this woman's groceries go down the conveyor belt. I was staring at them in disbelief with all their shiny packaging and pre-made-ness and the variety of all the different things she could get in one place. And also by how little that meant to her. In all likelihood, she's never stared at her groceries in wonder. (Just going out on a limb there) And it stinks because people don't wanna hear about how much they take for granted. It's like looking at someone and saying "you're a spoiled jerk!" Even if that's not at all your intended meaning. You're just still stunned and amazed and appreciative of it all. I know that will fade, but I hope I never lose it completely especially in light of my next topic: First World Problems. I have found myself quickly irritated by people angered at things not going perfectly smoothly. All I can think is "So what, you have to get transferred twice and can't buy this ticket from the comfort of your leather chair." It's not really fair to people because they're used to things working smoothly and quickly and it's amazing how quickly you fall back into that, but obviously the Peace Corps sure makes you more ready to go with the flow and handle any situation thrown your way. It's hard to remember that not everyone around you has been through the same experience. You've been with them through so much and have known them so long you sometimes forget where you end and they begin. Then it comes into stark reality in those situations, but you don't wanna be that annoyingly optimistic and easy person that just says "hey, not a big deal, member how you getta eat 3 times a day?" That's not a way to keep friends, so you just silently seethe and wonder if you'll ever fit into your world again. But overall, I do feel at peace and at home and at...me. It's just nice to still have those Peace Corps people in my life with whom I can say "Can you believe them? Let's get a primus!"

So I've been back a week today, and it's been quite the whirlwind. I got into Chicago Saturday afternoon and was met with smiles and hugs at the airport from my parents. It was nice to have someone at the end of the long journey. And then it was crazy to drive back down the highway with all the things you see from the road and it's bizarre the things you get caught up on...windows, streetlights, billboards. It's been nuts. I keep finding myself going to do things the way i would've done them in Rwanda and then catching myself and reminding myself that I'm in America. Example: I woke up my first day home, a Sunday morning at 4:30 a.m. It might've been a bit of jetlag, but I'd been waking up around that same time for the 3 days before I left Rwanda because of all my nervous/excited energy. But I woke up, looked at my phone, and then thought- 'I've got laundry to do and stuff to catch up on, but I can't do anything til the sun comes up at 6.' Then I looked around, realized there was no mosquito net over my head and saw the light switch. So I turned it on and then remembered all I had to do with my laundry was throw it in a machine with some detergent....crazy stuff. It's nice though cause even while I'm looking around at things sometimes and feeling like they're so far away and like I'm a different person, when I'm with my friends, I feel like myself again. When I'm out drinking jumbo margaritas and then quoting Will Ferrell the whole way home with my parents or going for a coffee date with my dad, I feel like it's where I'm supposed to be. This will continue to be weird and I will continue to walk into restaurants and still want one of everything on the menu again, just to try it, but I'm slowly feeling so hopeful and excited about what's to come.

flying into Amsterdam

28/4 So many weird feelings flying into Amsterdam. It was a crowded flight, none of the beautiful calm that I had flying in on Christmas day. Surprisingly, I’m less overwhelmed than I was then. I think I had more time to prep for going, I was more mentally prepared for what this airport and everything in it would be like…it’s still weird. I feel like I’m going to do something wrong or that everyone’s gonna look at me and just know that I’m clueless, not just because I don’t speak Dutch but because I’m fresh off the plane. Fresh from the village where toilets were an exciting day and downright thrilling if there was enough water to flush ‘em. Fresh from the land where a shower meant a basin and your dinner light was candlelight. I feel like they can see it on me. And I’ve been here before, not just this airport but Europe and this world. I was raised in it, and as always with reverse culture shock, home feels foreign. I’m sure it’ll be easier when I land in Chicago but for now, I’m still awkward. Leaving was surprisingly easy. I think my mind was so occupied with so many things that I wasn’t as focused on the having to say Goodbyes. They also didn’t feel like they were for good…so weird. I did start losing it when my Danae-nae started crying. I felt like I was abandoning her, like I was going and leaving her to the wolves. I imagined being on the other side and seeing someone go and knowing the person that you’ve spent the last year relying on won’t be there for the next. Who do you call when you’re lost and tired and need a sympathetic and empathetic ear? And that thought made me feel so guilty and upset, and even more so cause I didn’t know what would be comforting at a time like that. I’m trying not to dwell on all that, but instead to revel in the fun that is people watching at an airport.

We're off to see the wizard...or indoor plumbing!

Here it is, folks. This is my, 'I'm leaving Peace Corps' post. I'm parting ways with peace Crops peacefully and happily. I've accepted my invite to pursue a Masters in Development Practice at Trinity College Dublin. My journeys are not coming to an end, on the contrary, they are just beginning. I'm excited for new opportunities and new adventures and ultimately, I'm doing this all so I can do more things for more people than I could here and in these circumstances. I do wish that this had all gone a little differently, but life is what it is and ultimately I feel like you do what you can with what you have when you have it and when you have to. I really want to document the part of this process that few people address. Most Peace Corps blogs end with leaving but I really want to document the horrors and confusions that are reverse culture-shock. My blog began long before Peace Corps, and perhaps to your chagrin, will continue long after! Let the new chapter begin, let me turn the page and pick a really cool transition word. Maybe I can work on a "Changes" montage, complete with David Bowie soundtrack!! You're welcome in advance. (Also sorry in advance if you see me soon and start to worry about my singing David Bowie all day. Remember, my human interactions have been few, far between, and primarily with people who think that bowel movements are acceptable polite conversations for mealtimes. You can hardly fault my readjustment from that, right? I will be overwhelmed in Targets and may start crying trying to pick a toothpaste. This experience has undoubtedly changed my life and I will always value all the madness that it has been and given me...the neuroses will take years to undo!! But truly, thanks for all your support throughout this and all your hope and faith for the future!

a break

So I'm sure this post won't be quite as entertaining as my list because really, what's more amusing than absurd marriage proposals?
BUT! I'm in the lovely frame of mind that comes with an impending vacation. It's funny how much that can lift the spirits. I don't know if it's the change of pace, change of scenery or the excuse to not get the cheapest thing on the menu, but I'm excited. It doesn't take much for me to feel like I'm on vacation here. The opportunity to sit around with free wifi and a coffee pretty much feels like a vacation. I'm enjoying both of those currently and planning an excellent weekend break to Gisenyi on Lake Kivu. I'll bask in lounge chairs and overlook volcanoes in the Congo. I hear the rebels can't make it across the lake at the moment so I should be grand! I'm going with my dear friend Danae and we plan to begin our adventure with coffee talks and pedicures. Of all the things that are available to me in the capital of Rwanda, these two are probably my favorites. So we'll enjoy those and have a mini break on the lake! I'll likely come back with a nasty sunburn, no matter how hard I try and avoid it. The African sun is surprising unrelenting! Who knew equatorial Africa would be like that? It also probably doesn't help that on the lake I'll be able to do scandalous things like exposing my knees and shoulders. They get burned a lot easier when they haven't seen the light of day in 11 months. Sometimes I give 'em a breather in kigali where the more scantily clad muzungus make me feel demure by comparison. I'll enjoy it all and take some pictures that I might even post if I'm back here with fast enough internet! Sorry for the lack of them, their posting is replete with issues. I just don't have the patience to wait 14 hrs. for them to load. I'm sorry that you are the ones who suffer, although my sunburn is probably not exactly what you're scouring the interwebz for anyway. Hope the promise of summer in your necks of the woods is doing as much for you as my vacation is here!

why I may come back wed...or with 500 cows

Stuff Expat Aid Workers Like #70-Marriage Proposals

So the above is a great version of a daily occurrence. Here, fielding marriage proposals is something to be expected every time you leave your compound. It doesn't really matter the number of times you've rejected or even, accepted someone. It's like Groundhog's Day here, whatever happened yesterday is completely forgotten today and thus, repeated.
Most of the time it is just a joke that you exchange with a couple of moto drivers, you know they're going to ask, they know you're going to reject them. But the fun part of all this is thinking of the different ways to deflect the sexual harassment. Some of my personal favorites:

Rwandan man: Muzungu, i love you.
Me: I love you too, when are we off to make our many children? (if this is all said in rapid english, he won't get any of it...if they do, you laugh, then run.

Rwandan man: I want go America with you.
Me: Ok, but you're buying both our tickets. (I usually say this in Kinyarwanda so they get the full effect and realized they can't afford a gold digger like me.)

Rwandan man: You are beautiful, will you marry me? (usually spoken in kinyarwanda by the less learn-ed, but no less hopeful OR after they've realized I speak kinyarwanda and thus want to bring their flirting A-game)[hard to resist, right?]
Me: Ok, but my father wants 500 cows for my dowry. (This is an absurd number. There's even a phrase in kinyarwanda for a girl that is worth 100 cows. Most families work their way up to one. My host father was rich with his 3. Again, working the gold digger angle is very powerful.)
Although sometimes they reply with: Ok, I will work for this. (this is my own way to encourage development)

Rwandan man: You are beautiful, do you have a boyfriend?
Me: Yes, I have one in America.
Rwandan man: Then you should have a matching set. One here in Rwanda, one in America.
Me: I don't think my boyfriend would like that.
Rwandan man: But I would.


Rwandan man: What is your nationality?
Me: American.
Rwandan man: Would you like it to be Rwandan?
Me: Huh? (keep in mind the only context is a daily conversation, i don't ALWAYS know where they're going with these questions I only mostly understand in kinyarwanda
Rwandan man: You can marry me, become Rwandan.

Now often these proposals are thrown at you in the most unassuming situations Ex. walking to the market, buying your food at the market, walking from the market, boarding a bus, waiting on a bus, getting off the bus...I think you get the idea. But you don't always know how to respond to them. When you are ready, gems like this come out...

Rwandan man: You are beautiful, you will marry me? Me: Ok, but you must be like an American man.
Rwandan man: Ntakibazo. (no problem)
Me: American men cook food and do laundry and take care of children. Sometimes they will even stay at home when their wives go to work.
Rwandan man: *laughing*
Me: No really, if we will marry, you must do this.
Rwandan man: I will learn

Now you have to appreciate their flexibility. Their willingness to learn, change and grow is very inspiring, but sometimes you've just had one too many proposals in a day. Travelling days are particularly arduous. But it's really annoying when they don't get it or can't take a hint. It reveals an underlying lack of respect that's really irritating.
But you have to keep your head up. So sometimes, I pretend I'm just a regular muzungu who doesn't understand kinyarwanda. Now this increasingly ineffectual as more and more people learn English. This is when I bless America and say...
Lo siento, yo sólo hablan español.

Rebirth, fresh starts and new beginnings.

So first, Happy Easter to those who celebrate it! Spring has always been my favorite season because everything comes alive and you think it’s necessary to wear shorts or skirts in 50 degree weather because “it’s so warm outside!” The flowers bloom, trees seem alive and everything becomes green. I hadn’t realized until I moved to Rwanda how much trees and green…ness mean to me. I don’t know if it’s just because green is my favorite color, but when I’m surrounded by it, everything seems happier!

Maybe it’s because you always have shade from the sun, a little protection from rain or just something to sit under while you read a book. I guess there’s a level of protection or comfort that they can always provide. There’s also a stability; mature trees lend themselves to a sense of the history of a place. You know that you are looking at this tree just as so many people have before. It’s a connection to the past.

Now I can’t say that because my area has few mature trees I am uncomfortable, but I definitely appreciate more the parts of Rwanda that do have so many. The whole country used to be more forests but with population growth, obviously that has changed. People need the trees to build their homes and to cook on. The majority of the population still lives in these sorts of conditions. I can’t begrudge people for cutting down the trees they need to survive, but it still makes me sad.
I have many similar reactions to things people view as life necessities here. I was recently visiting a PCV friend of mine and we were discussing dogs with a coworker of hers. Now dogs have a beyond complicated history here in Rwanda but the discussion turned to how Americans treat their pets. We were discussing how people don’t ever eat their pets, now this was a laughable luxury to her counterpart. He absolutely lost it when we went on to explain that people could even be put in jail for treating their pets badly. I guess I’d never really considered animal rights a luxury, but I suppose they are when you can’t afford to do anything rather than eat them (the animals, not the rights).

So you know, just another moment in which I’ve realized how privileged our lives are. I knew I would get that coming here but it’s funny how little you can be cognizant of, especially when you invest so much energy in TRYING to cognizant of those things. Oh Life!

My mind has once again wandered and this has turned out to be nothing that I started writing about. Maybe I’ll actually write what I intended to write about tomorrow…