back at it!

Day 1- back in Dublin.

I've gone through quite a few feelings in the last day (granted my day has been about 30 hrs). But it's been a doozy. It's funny how different this all felt from the previous times I've left the country. I've always been excited and prepped and ready to go. This time it just felt like I was packing and getting on a plane again. When we were hopping in the car to head to the airport, I was nervous (and I rarely get nervous). I felt the knot in the pit of my stomach that is me questioning my decisions. Yes, of course, I still wanted to go to Ireland but it keeps seeming more and more weird to leave the people I love.
But I got into the airport and the familiar airport zen came back to me...I was able to be in my zone and my element. Heck, I started a dance party with one of the TSA people! I had a bit of excitement when they overbooked the flight and said we could get an $800 voucher to get re-routed through London Heathrow. Sadly, after all my gearing up to change my plans and banking on my ticket home they didn't even need us volunteers. (Pay attention kids, this is important later on, spoiler alert).
Once I got on the plane I started getting excited and once I started seeing the city and the hills outside of Dublin, I was bouncing in my seat and squealing with delight (literally, lots of people stared). Little did I know what awaited me off that plane...
So I got off and was greeted by the brand-new shiny terminal and the world's LONGEST line for passport control. These people were gonna be there all day clicking their little stamps so they really didn't care how long we were standing there. There were many wonderful people-watching moments like crazy crying kids, and their exhausted parents being relieved by a lady with a perfectly-distracting granola bar! The agents directing everyone also offered people an "irish breakfast" and then said that that really just meant a Guinness.
Once I finally made it through I got to the baggage carousel...waited for 10 mins, watched everything go around (twice) then started looking at all the others. I hunted down the lost luggage people  and after telling me twice that I should double check the carousels, the other woman said they were still in Chicago (which was not a lot of help to me in Dublin).
Now I may sound annoyed by all this but I was tired I was really just amused, I found it all quite comical. Then it got even funnier! Cause when I tried to call the guy from CouchSurfing I was to stay with, his phone didn't work! And you'll just have to stay tuned for the dramatic conclusion because I'm falling asleep on the keybbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbtt43djjjjjjjjfffffffffffffffffff.

the big apple is too big for a bite!

So I hope I'm not being too terribly redundant in all my posts about readjustment but whether or not they're being read, it certainly helps my process to get it all out. This week I've journeyed to NYC to visit some dear friends and make a foray into Boston. Though it's only been 4 days now of travelling, and 2 of those days were spent in Boston, I've been struck by the loveliness that is city-life. Not that Champaign, IL does not have its own charms to recommend itself, but I definitely needed a dose of big city. What I got, was the biggest! What I've enjoyed most is the "AMURKA!"-ness of it all. The 4 different languages I heard next to the US Vets Memorial display in the Boston Common, the 478529043 different looks of people on the NY Subway...it's amazing and unique.
In a selfish vein, it's been nice to have a crowd to blend into. In New York, I can literally wave my arms above my head and yell "woogedy woogedy" and no one bats an eye. It's a far cry from walking down the street in local clothes, speaking the local language and drawing about as much attention as a 6-legged dog. (Complete with phone photo-ops and exclamations to the nearest deity.)  It's also kinda weird because I think people are still constantly judging me. I look around and wonder if I'm wearing the right thing or if I'm blending in enough (just like i did in Rwanda). I get overly flustered when my metro card doesn't run right, I spend way too much worrying about what I'm wearing, finally deciding on an outfit after trying on 4, only to go back to the first and then spending half an hour struggling with accessories. I'm convinced everyone knows how 'fresh off the plane' I am. I'm convince everyone's thinking...."Um, who let her in this country...back on the streets...where small children could see!?"
Luckily, I'm pretty convinced that it's mostly in my mind. I'm almost positive NYC has not noticed the addition of another 20-something girl with impractical shoes. I just got to get around my crazy enough to enjoy that.

just when you thought it was safe...

...to go back on your computer and harmlessly check your facebook! It's not safe because unfortunately for you, I'm not quite done yet! I've been back now over two weeks and the initial shock of things has worn off. Now, I'm just dealing with the aftershocks (which I just had to look up on google to make sure it was a real word and not just something I was making up). Now I'm not sure if this is like or UNlike an earthquake having never experienced one, but there's no warning for when these aftershocks occur. No signal to tell you, "you're about to be overwhelmed and confused in a completely normal situation!!" My moment the other day was watching this woman's groceries go down the conveyor belt. I was staring at them in disbelief with all their shiny packaging and pre-made-ness and the variety of all the different things she could get in one place. And also by how little that meant to her. In all likelihood, she's never stared at her groceries in wonder. (Just going out on a limb there) And it stinks because people don't wanna hear about how much they take for granted. It's like looking at someone and saying "you're a spoiled jerk!" Even if that's not at all your intended meaning. You're just still stunned and amazed and appreciative of it all. I know that will fade, but I hope I never lose it completely especially in light of my next topic: First World Problems. I have found myself quickly irritated by people angered at things not going perfectly smoothly. All I can think is "So what, you have to get transferred twice and can't buy this ticket from the comfort of your leather chair." It's not really fair to people because they're used to things working smoothly and quickly and it's amazing how quickly you fall back into that, but obviously the Peace Corps sure makes you more ready to go with the flow and handle any situation thrown your way. It's hard to remember that not everyone around you has been through the same experience. You've been with them through so much and have known them so long you sometimes forget where you end and they begin. Then it comes into stark reality in those situations, but you don't wanna be that annoyingly optimistic and easy person that just says "hey, not a big deal, member how you getta eat 3 times a day?" That's not a way to keep friends, so you just silently seethe and wonder if you'll ever fit into your world again. But overall, I do feel at peace and at home and at...me. It's just nice to still have those Peace Corps people in my life with whom I can say "Can you believe them? Let's get a primus!"

So I've been back a week today, and it's been quite the whirlwind. I got into Chicago Saturday afternoon and was met with smiles and hugs at the airport from my parents. It was nice to have someone at the end of the long journey. And then it was crazy to drive back down the highway with all the things you see from the road and it's bizarre the things you get caught up on...windows, streetlights, billboards. It's been nuts. I keep finding myself going to do things the way i would've done them in Rwanda and then catching myself and reminding myself that I'm in America. Example: I woke up my first day home, a Sunday morning at 4:30 a.m. It might've been a bit of jetlag, but I'd been waking up around that same time for the 3 days before I left Rwanda because of all my nervous/excited energy. But I woke up, looked at my phone, and then thought- 'I've got laundry to do and stuff to catch up on, but I can't do anything til the sun comes up at 6.' Then I looked around, realized there was no mosquito net over my head and saw the light switch. So I turned it on and then remembered all I had to do with my laundry was throw it in a machine with some detergent....crazy stuff. It's nice though cause even while I'm looking around at things sometimes and feeling like they're so far away and like I'm a different person, when I'm with my friends, I feel like myself again. When I'm out drinking jumbo margaritas and then quoting Will Ferrell the whole way home with my parents or going for a coffee date with my dad, I feel like it's where I'm supposed to be. This will continue to be weird and I will continue to walk into restaurants and still want one of everything on the menu again, just to try it, but I'm slowly feeling so hopeful and excited about what's to come.

flying into Amsterdam

28/4 So many weird feelings flying into Amsterdam. It was a crowded flight, none of the beautiful calm that I had flying in on Christmas day. Surprisingly, I’m less overwhelmed than I was then. I think I had more time to prep for going, I was more mentally prepared for what this airport and everything in it would be like…it’s still weird. I feel like I’m going to do something wrong or that everyone’s gonna look at me and just know that I’m clueless, not just because I don’t speak Dutch but because I’m fresh off the plane. Fresh from the village where toilets were an exciting day and downright thrilling if there was enough water to flush ‘em. Fresh from the land where a shower meant a basin and your dinner light was candlelight. I feel like they can see it on me. And I’ve been here before, not just this airport but Europe and this world. I was raised in it, and as always with reverse culture shock, home feels foreign. I’m sure it’ll be easier when I land in Chicago but for now, I’m still awkward. Leaving was surprisingly easy. I think my mind was so occupied with so many things that I wasn’t as focused on the having to say Goodbyes. They also didn’t feel like they were for good…so weird. I did start losing it when my Danae-nae started crying. I felt like I was abandoning her, like I was going and leaving her to the wolves. I imagined being on the other side and seeing someone go and knowing the person that you’ve spent the last year relying on won’t be there for the next. Who do you call when you’re lost and tired and need a sympathetic and empathetic ear? And that thought made me feel so guilty and upset, and even more so cause I didn’t know what would be comforting at a time like that. I’m trying not to dwell on all that, but instead to revel in the fun that is people watching at an airport.

We're off to see the wizard...or indoor plumbing!

Here it is, folks. This is my, 'I'm leaving Peace Corps' post. I'm parting ways with peace Crops peacefully and happily. I've accepted my invite to pursue a Masters in Development Practice at Trinity College Dublin. My journeys are not coming to an end, on the contrary, they are just beginning. I'm excited for new opportunities and new adventures and ultimately, I'm doing this all so I can do more things for more people than I could here and in these circumstances. I do wish that this had all gone a little differently, but life is what it is and ultimately I feel like you do what you can with what you have when you have it and when you have to. I really want to document the part of this process that few people address. Most Peace Corps blogs end with leaving but I really want to document the horrors and confusions that are reverse culture-shock. My blog began long before Peace Corps, and perhaps to your chagrin, will continue long after! Let the new chapter begin, let me turn the page and pick a really cool transition word. Maybe I can work on a "Changes" montage, complete with David Bowie soundtrack!! You're welcome in advance. (Also sorry in advance if you see me soon and start to worry about my singing David Bowie all day. Remember, my human interactions have been few, far between, and primarily with people who think that bowel movements are acceptable polite conversations for mealtimes. You can hardly fault my readjustment from that, right? I will be overwhelmed in Targets and may start crying trying to pick a toothpaste. This experience has undoubtedly changed my life and I will always value all the madness that it has been and given me...the neuroses will take years to undo!! But truly, thanks for all your support throughout this and all your hope and faith for the future!

a break

So I'm sure this post won't be quite as entertaining as my list because really, what's more amusing than absurd marriage proposals?
BUT! I'm in the lovely frame of mind that comes with an impending vacation. It's funny how much that can lift the spirits. I don't know if it's the change of pace, change of scenery or the excuse to not get the cheapest thing on the menu, but I'm excited. It doesn't take much for me to feel like I'm on vacation here. The opportunity to sit around with free wifi and a coffee pretty much feels like a vacation. I'm enjoying both of those currently and planning an excellent weekend break to Gisenyi on Lake Kivu. I'll bask in lounge chairs and overlook volcanoes in the Congo. I hear the rebels can't make it across the lake at the moment so I should be grand! I'm going with my dear friend Danae and we plan to begin our adventure with coffee talks and pedicures. Of all the things that are available to me in the capital of Rwanda, these two are probably my favorites. So we'll enjoy those and have a mini break on the lake! I'll likely come back with a nasty sunburn, no matter how hard I try and avoid it. The African sun is surprising unrelenting! Who knew equatorial Africa would be like that? It also probably doesn't help that on the lake I'll be able to do scandalous things like exposing my knees and shoulders. They get burned a lot easier when they haven't seen the light of day in 11 months. Sometimes I give 'em a breather in kigali where the more scantily clad muzungus make me feel demure by comparison. I'll enjoy it all and take some pictures that I might even post if I'm back here with fast enough internet! Sorry for the lack of them, their posting is replete with issues. I just don't have the patience to wait 14 hrs. for them to load. I'm sorry that you are the ones who suffer, although my sunburn is probably not exactly what you're scouring the interwebz for anyway. Hope the promise of summer in your necks of the woods is doing as much for you as my vacation is here!