the big apple is too big for a bite!

So I hope I'm not being too terribly redundant in all my posts about readjustment but whether or not they're being read, it certainly helps my process to get it all out. This week I've journeyed to NYC to visit some dear friends and make a foray into Boston. Though it's only been 4 days now of travelling, and 2 of those days were spent in Boston, I've been struck by the loveliness that is city-life. Not that Champaign, IL does not have its own charms to recommend itself, but I definitely needed a dose of big city. What I got, was the biggest! What I've enjoyed most is the "AMURKA!"-ness of it all. The 4 different languages I heard next to the US Vets Memorial display in the Boston Common, the 478529043 different looks of people on the NY Subway...it's amazing and unique.
In a selfish vein, it's been nice to have a crowd to blend into. In New York, I can literally wave my arms above my head and yell "woogedy woogedy" and no one bats an eye. It's a far cry from walking down the street in local clothes, speaking the local language and drawing about as much attention as a 6-legged dog. (Complete with phone photo-ops and exclamations to the nearest deity.)  It's also kinda weird because I think people are still constantly judging me. I look around and wonder if I'm wearing the right thing or if I'm blending in enough (just like i did in Rwanda). I get overly flustered when my metro card doesn't run right, I spend way too much worrying about what I'm wearing, finally deciding on an outfit after trying on 4, only to go back to the first and then spending half an hour struggling with accessories. I'm convinced everyone knows how 'fresh off the plane' I am. I'm convince everyone's thinking...."Um, who let her in this country...back on the streets...where small children could see!?"
Luckily, I'm pretty convinced that it's mostly in my mind. I'm almost positive NYC has not noticed the addition of another 20-something girl with impractical shoes. I just got to get around my crazy enough to enjoy that.

just when you thought it was safe...

...to go back on your computer and harmlessly check your facebook! It's not safe because unfortunately for you, I'm not quite done yet! I've been back now over two weeks and the initial shock of things has worn off. Now, I'm just dealing with the aftershocks (which I just had to look up on google to make sure it was a real word and not just something I was making up). Now I'm not sure if this is like or UNlike an earthquake having never experienced one, but there's no warning for when these aftershocks occur. No signal to tell you, "you're about to be overwhelmed and confused in a completely normal situation!!" My moment the other day was watching this woman's groceries go down the conveyor belt. I was staring at them in disbelief with all their shiny packaging and pre-made-ness and the variety of all the different things she could get in one place. And also by how little that meant to her. In all likelihood, she's never stared at her groceries in wonder. (Just going out on a limb there) And it stinks because people don't wanna hear about how much they take for granted. It's like looking at someone and saying "you're a spoiled jerk!" Even if that's not at all your intended meaning. You're just still stunned and amazed and appreciative of it all. I know that will fade, but I hope I never lose it completely especially in light of my next topic: First World Problems. I have found myself quickly irritated by people angered at things not going perfectly smoothly. All I can think is "So what, you have to get transferred twice and can't buy this ticket from the comfort of your leather chair." It's not really fair to people because they're used to things working smoothly and quickly and it's amazing how quickly you fall back into that, but obviously the Peace Corps sure makes you more ready to go with the flow and handle any situation thrown your way. It's hard to remember that not everyone around you has been through the same experience. You've been with them through so much and have known them so long you sometimes forget where you end and they begin. Then it comes into stark reality in those situations, but you don't wanna be that annoyingly optimistic and easy person that just says "hey, not a big deal, member how you getta eat 3 times a day?" That's not a way to keep friends, so you just silently seethe and wonder if you'll ever fit into your world again. But overall, I do feel at peace and at home and at...me. It's just nice to still have those Peace Corps people in my life with whom I can say "Can you believe them? Let's get a primus!"

So I've been back a week today, and it's been quite the whirlwind. I got into Chicago Saturday afternoon and was met with smiles and hugs at the airport from my parents. It was nice to have someone at the end of the long journey. And then it was crazy to drive back down the highway with all the things you see from the road and it's bizarre the things you get caught up on...windows, streetlights, billboards. It's been nuts. I keep finding myself going to do things the way i would've done them in Rwanda and then catching myself and reminding myself that I'm in America. Example: I woke up my first day home, a Sunday morning at 4:30 a.m. It might've been a bit of jetlag, but I'd been waking up around that same time for the 3 days before I left Rwanda because of all my nervous/excited energy. But I woke up, looked at my phone, and then thought- 'I've got laundry to do and stuff to catch up on, but I can't do anything til the sun comes up at 6.' Then I looked around, realized there was no mosquito net over my head and saw the light switch. So I turned it on and then remembered all I had to do with my laundry was throw it in a machine with some detergent....crazy stuff. It's nice though cause even while I'm looking around at things sometimes and feeling like they're so far away and like I'm a different person, when I'm with my friends, I feel like myself again. When I'm out drinking jumbo margaritas and then quoting Will Ferrell the whole way home with my parents or going for a coffee date with my dad, I feel like it's where I'm supposed to be. This will continue to be weird and I will continue to walk into restaurants and still want one of everything on the menu again, just to try it, but I'm slowly feeling so hopeful and excited about what's to come.

flying into Amsterdam

28/4 So many weird feelings flying into Amsterdam. It was a crowded flight, none of the beautiful calm that I had flying in on Christmas day. Surprisingly, I’m less overwhelmed than I was then. I think I had more time to prep for going, I was more mentally prepared for what this airport and everything in it would be like…it’s still weird. I feel like I’m going to do something wrong or that everyone’s gonna look at me and just know that I’m clueless, not just because I don’t speak Dutch but because I’m fresh off the plane. Fresh from the village where toilets were an exciting day and downright thrilling if there was enough water to flush ‘em. Fresh from the land where a shower meant a basin and your dinner light was candlelight. I feel like they can see it on me. And I’ve been here before, not just this airport but Europe and this world. I was raised in it, and as always with reverse culture shock, home feels foreign. I’m sure it’ll be easier when I land in Chicago but for now, I’m still awkward. Leaving was surprisingly easy. I think my mind was so occupied with so many things that I wasn’t as focused on the having to say Goodbyes. They also didn’t feel like they were for good…so weird. I did start losing it when my Danae-nae started crying. I felt like I was abandoning her, like I was going and leaving her to the wolves. I imagined being on the other side and seeing someone go and knowing the person that you’ve spent the last year relying on won’t be there for the next. Who do you call when you’re lost and tired and need a sympathetic and empathetic ear? And that thought made me feel so guilty and upset, and even more so cause I didn’t know what would be comforting at a time like that. I’m trying not to dwell on all that, but instead to revel in the fun that is people watching at an airport.