flying into Amsterdam

28/4 So many weird feelings flying into Amsterdam. It was a crowded flight, none of the beautiful calm that I had flying in on Christmas day. Surprisingly, I’m less overwhelmed than I was then. I think I had more time to prep for going, I was more mentally prepared for what this airport and everything in it would be like…it’s still weird. I feel like I’m going to do something wrong or that everyone’s gonna look at me and just know that I’m clueless, not just because I don’t speak Dutch but because I’m fresh off the plane. Fresh from the village where toilets were an exciting day and downright thrilling if there was enough water to flush ‘em. Fresh from the land where a shower meant a basin and your dinner light was candlelight. I feel like they can see it on me. And I’ve been here before, not just this airport but Europe and this world. I was raised in it, and as always with reverse culture shock, home feels foreign. I’m sure it’ll be easier when I land in Chicago but for now, I’m still awkward. Leaving was surprisingly easy. I think my mind was so occupied with so many things that I wasn’t as focused on the having to say Goodbyes. They also didn’t feel like they were for good…so weird. I did start losing it when my Danae-nae started crying. I felt like I was abandoning her, like I was going and leaving her to the wolves. I imagined being on the other side and seeing someone go and knowing the person that you’ve spent the last year relying on won’t be there for the next. Who do you call when you’re lost and tired and need a sympathetic and empathetic ear? And that thought made me feel so guilty and upset, and even more so cause I didn’t know what would be comforting at a time like that. I’m trying not to dwell on all that, but instead to revel in the fun that is people watching at an airport.