alternance...

back and forth..in oh so many senses.

right now I SHOULD be working on my paper that's due in 4 and a half hours...and yet...i've done everything but. I intend to fill a lot of space with images and "important" tables and such. visuals! she said visuals were very important...but that's not exactly what i felt compelled to write about.

it's my dynamic relationship with Paris...i can't say France but i don't put those two in the same category and I don't feel like I know the rest of France to comment on it at all.

BUT PARIS, on my dear city I could write volumes, especially how often i go back and forth on wanting to get back to the states and my fam... and within 5 minutes, I can't imagine leaving Paris.

It's really different than every other time i've been abroad. and i have moments where I miss Dublin so much! and now i wanna spend a semester in Geneva and one in Sydney! I really should've done another study abroad! i say that at the same time as I really wish i could be home sooner...and with my family in Illinois

...and with my friends in Boston

...and continue on here for another semester

I think it's partially the language thing. I don't feel like i've gotten as far as I should've with my french and just feel if i had another 2 months I could really do something with it and be where I feel like I should be. so for this last month I'm really gonna try and use it more...AKA all the time!

i guess at the end of it all, i just feel so cut into a million pieces and none is any stronger than the other. tough stuff.

and that's the problem with falling so fast.

i fall for where i am...and a part of me is lost there forever...and i can't take it back.

the attachment is there...

and not everyone understands that. but those that do, understand a huge part of me.

a part of myself that i'm not sure yet how to deal with...maybe that will be my mission in life. satisfying this extremely complex, divided part of myself.

in the meantime, i'll go with whatever comes to me. cause really, what other choice do i have?

whatareyagonnado?

So, yeah, not so good at updating again!

i really would have to write this on my hand to remember! i mean, i have been writing in my journal (went nuts on it in Italy)!

italy was amazing and i wouldn't travel any other way but couchsurfing now! it's sooo nice to have a local perspective! and the type of person that is attracted to it is typically someone i get along really well with and have much in common with! and i really made some great friends! three of whom are coming to Paris!! Great stuff, it was nice to meet new people, even if doing some of the touristy stuff alone kinda sucked sometimes! BUT i got to take all the time i wanted and just wandered.

that was perfection, truly. amazing.

and Italy was fun. much more chill and outlandish than Paris BUT i was actually pretty happy to get back and i got off the plane and it literally smelled like a boulangerie (!!) and amazing fresh baked bread....happiness and it was warm and rainy and PERFECT!

and then i started my stage...

and the first week of my stage was rough but it's quite nice now! except i have to work saturday but they gave me the next two Mondays off and then till my last weekend in Paris, i have people here! this is gonna start going too quickly i know it will...

obviously i had a low where i wanted to be in Boston, or home, but now i just need a refresher and i'd love to be back!

Gonna start figuring out next year i guess...

for now, i'll just make it through the next two days of work.

"life's full of little rubs and disappointments"

this is dumb.

keep that preface in mind while i whine a moment...

i'm just a little distappointed that i can't do everything i want to do in Paris, or many things, because of money. it's just such a dumb thing that has such a big effect on things. i had a dumb cry about it's dumbity dumbness and dumbdumb and then played the song that has made me happy since the age of like 4...George Harrion: Got my Mind Set on You....

do i have ANY idea why i like it so much? well, i've loved it for years

do i have ANY idea why i've liked it since my infancy? NOT at all

what about it appealed to 4 yr. old me in the car? no clue.

BUT i vividly remember driving in the car and listening to it!

ridiculous and hilarious

so that's what i'll end on. away from dumb worries about dumb things that are ridiculous because i know i'm gonna eat tomorrow and the day after, and that i have somewhere to sleep for the foreseeable future AND I'M IN PARIS!

(finding FREEE THINGS that are rock steady!)

exactly a month

so i've been here exactly 30 days...and am listening to the 500 days of summer soundtrack (not really important information, i just appreciate the number + days coincidence)

and i've figured out several things:

-i'm impatient about my internship

-i've just started to feel like my french is getting somewhere

-i have a semi-unhealthy relationship with coffee

-sometimes the french need to chill out and wear brighter colors and smile

-i'm not sure i'll ever get sick of this song "Sweet Disposition" very gratifying for a multitude of reasons

-i should be going to bed right now...i have my midterm tomorrow

-i'm not gonna want to wake up tomorrow, BUT i'll try to remember to say "Rabbit, rabbit!" when i do

-i'm not sure i'm ever gonna be completely satisfied with any one country cause they're too much of one thing or many things. traveling is like having a bunch of friends that you appreciate for different reasons and do different things with: someone to go to the party with, someone to go to the theatre, someone to go to the movies, someone to just sit and have a coffee with, someone for the museums, and the best friend is one you don't have to do anything with...you just enjoy being together.

I'm still working on my country "best friend"

I'm honestly not sure if i'll ever find it, or if i need to...something to think about

don't mess....

so i just about 45 minutes on the phone with Bank of America who i clearly told i would be out of the country but who kept calling my dear poor mother warning of suspicious activity (of which there was none)

SO i called them so they'd quit bothering and calling and to make sure they didn't put a hold on anything. And after 15 mins of being bounced around i got INTO IT with some chick who was saying i answered my own damn questions wrong and that i'd have to fax in two forms of i.d. to which i responded "oh HELL no!" and told her that if i called and got someone else that i wouldn't have to deal with anything and that poutain/salope went and said i had suspicious activity on my account TODAY!!! and she was clearly messing with the wrong girl! because i AM who i say i AM i got the email and immediately called the exact same dept. got a different NICER person with whom i answered the questions the exact same way and got through and everything was cleared up! GO FIGURE!!! don't tell me i'm wrong, when i'm RIGHT!!!!

so NEGH! i was VERY nice to the other 3 people i spoke to because we didn't have beef and i have found things normally go better when you're very polite to them...but chick messed with the WRONG girl at the WRONG TIME! but it was quite good because i basically gotta vent all my frustration that inevitably builds up...in a constructive way! (on some YOTCH from B of A, who clearly deserved it for being so intractable) i mean i'm very emotionally healthy now and ready to progress with my language learning without a breakdown (which i very much expected) i actually hope i get to talk to her in another month and a half when i may need to vent again....

the road abroad is bumpy sometimes, because of language, because of the misunderstandings from language, because of the fatigue from the misunderstandings from language, and from the grumps that appear because of the fatigue from the misunderstandings from language....

but i've glided over the first one without crying...maybe gritted-teeth talking...but no crying or yelling. i dare say we're good for the moment.

also the above is a cool thing near my school which is near the tour eiffel

things i do and did

SO

first and foremost, a round of applause for no coffee or pastries! yes, it is possible. and Yes, i'm very proud of myself!

I also found great FREE things...you know exciting, hopping places where i can meet people and chat it up! like....the Louvre...and the Montparnasse cemetery! yay!!!

i actually loved how delightfully quiet it was....is that weird?

and the Louvre, is perfect. period. i will be going back there many a time, hang out in Napoleon III's apartments, you know, the us-.

but i've got my presentation tomorrow...and require beauty sleep!

weekend focus

ok, so i have firefox back! i'll actually be able to put up pictorals again! it's very exciting.

they always say it's important to have goals in life... life is too far away, but i have some goals for this weekend:
- be out and about
- speak lots of french (even w/ Americans)
- find FREE things
- try NOT to buy a coffee or pastry anywhere (this is actually the most difficult in Paris, in fact, nearly impossible... this is the one for which i can be really proud if i accomplish it)
- study like a beast for midterms ( they came too quickly, but who knows, maybe studying french will actually make my french better... WEIRD!)
- put up pictures!!!
-figure out where i'm going for fall break (somewhere CHEAP)

so we'll see, this should be productive!

things that are true

1. i'm terrible with French keyboards...there are too many crazy accent things

2. i'm bad at updating my blog because i was obsessed w/ watching How I Met Your Mother...

but now i'm gonna try REAL hard to be better

bidding farewell and a BONJOUR

so i had to bid adieu to Boston yesterday, via a rain-soaked journey to Coolidge Corner and back!

i thanked the giant puddles that give me an excuse to do grand jete's in the street!

and CAS for always being open when i need it...pit stops, a moment of zen, a moment of dry, i feel like it's my own personal Room of Requirement.

i made lovely friends at the B of A and did informative and important things

and somehow in all this, with a little help from my friends, i packed!

AND was underweight with BOTH suitcases...ah thank you!

and i had a couple weird moments of deja vu as i walked into Logan's Int'l. terminal and up to the Aer Lingus counter. And then i was on the runway, leaving for Dubbers, and realized what was happening! I squealed and cried a bit to myself when the welcomed everyone in Gaelic and saw the hills to the north of dublin as i enjoyed my muffin and coffee. I wish so much that i could run out of the airport and stay for a bit but then i realized that i'm going to Paris...

i'm going to LIVE in Paris! and speak French everyday and haven't I been looking forward to this exact moment since Oh...ABOUT the time i began taking French in 7th grade. And when i get on my final flight to Charles de Gaulle in about an hour, then i see the land on the other side of a smaller blue than the big one i flew over last night, it's gonna hit me hard.

i was able to save myself a few and book the shuttle for my arrival which HOPEFULLY i'll be able to find. and when she spoke French on the phone, i remembered that I'd have to do that too. exciting but then i got the pit in my stomach that came before Brazil and came before China...

the knot that says, "why yes, you will embarrass yourself, probably multiple times!" the one that says, "just keep trying and then getting your coffee entirely in French will be a proud moment that'll make you wanna wear a beret!"

the one that also says, "you got yourself into this again!? you're a glutton for punishment sometimes"

but i think i'm ready to embrace all of that, and be excited about it!

side notes:

irish guys, not as attractive as i remembered (curse that rose-colored fog of nostaligia)

americans, surprising how quickly they start to seem annoying and uncouth again...very vexing.

(i love americans, we're ridiculous, but i need a few that i can point to and say proudly, "YES, we have the same Motherland" but those always seem sparse when i travel, where are we hiding them??)

i have an unhealthy love for airports, i find them strangely zen.

i looked over our orientation schedule AND our calendar for the semester and i think Paris and i will get along swimmingly, we have such similar interests and they are all present and accounted for in our calendar: pique-niques! cinema + crepe nights (perfection much?) theatre outings; cooking classes; and museums!! so many museums! this will go well!

beyond my means!

so this website...
it really has consumed me. i just get so frustrated because i know what i want, and in some senses, how to do it. but i don't know quite enough to connect it all, keep it all together, and create the new site.

i'm great with getting something and playing around on it til i know what i'm doing with it. problem is, there's no one here to say: this is what i did. so i dont' know enough, to know how to change it. This is driving me crazy. it really is too much for me. BUT maybe somehow i can figure it all out. i'll keep asking questions and getting what information i can, when i can...

and also know when to say "i can't" (right now) EVENTUALLY i always can. but not just yet...

"...it almost pays for the thud"

thud.

i guess i shouldn't throw in the towel so soon when i don't even know.
maybe that's precisely my problem, i smell the hints of trouble and i abandon ship rather than fight it out to the end. not because i assume the worse, but assume the non-ideal...
i can make myself happy in any situation in any other aspect of my life, so why do i see this as a non-negotiable? i guess i always have. i guess i didn't think there was any other way to go...or maybe it's because i see the extremely adverse effects of trying to make one's self happy in those situations.

perhaps, perhaps....perhaps.

maybe i'll wait this one out and see. maybe i need to take my optimism and enthusiasm for other things and apply it.

it's also so much easier for me to sit on the outside and say "think about this, consider that. say this, ask that." i can't gain perspective on myself and unfortunately, i've put myself into such a situation that doesn't really enable any impartial third party observers that could advise or assist in any truly helpful way.

or maybe i should follow the voice in my head. i just can't decide if it's negative or merely realistic...

i do know that i will continue to attract what i have been:
opportunities and choices are out there.
they are making themselves available to me.
i am perfectly capable of attaining them.
i am already possessing them,
in my head.

Step 1!

uh uh! not cool!!!

what the h?
i'm not okay with the fact that monumental things are happening in people's lives and i know nothing of them.
i know sometimes i suck, but i really do try to keep in touch with people because it's important and i'm not a fan when i don't see it the other way...
hrm

i guess that's all i have to say about that.
it's weird being back in boston, i guess i'm really glad i'm hear, but it was tough coming in. i wasn't excited to get off the plane and i wasn't excited to come back. (or rather, i wasn't happy to leave europe)
now, i'm really happy i'm here, of course. i'm having wonderful times with wonderful people but just a noteworthy personal note

many things are official

it's official, i'm terrible at updating my blog.
it's official, i have the best internship EVER
it's official, i'm completely stoked to be in Boston for the summer (as soon as they tell me whether or not i got work study money)

and that's all i know
I can't write about all the adventures and our journeys to the far reaches of ireland, which were incredible!
or my adventures with sarah, which were also incredible and surreal.
BUT what i can write about is just my last three weeks. which is how long i've been at my internship at Medecins Sans Frontieres aka Doctors w/o Borders. i'm obsessed with the organization and our office.
EXAMPLE:
last night was our little celebration for Deirdre (who was our recruiting head, but was moving to things like Myanmar) and so we went out to dinner at the restaurant called Juice, that's vegetarian and tasty if not very creative with their dishes. but it was lovely we had wine and dined and then went out to a pub and drank and laughed and had a grand old time until it closed when we just headed to another place...until it closed and then hopped a cab out to who knows where to this late night indian place that was REALLY good!
but the whole night was very easy and fun and chill and it's gonna be really hard to leave it all. and france i'm afraid, will have a lot to live up to!

on the inauguration from across the pond

I've been looking at every body's pictures from the inauguration and i find myself so jealous that i couldn't be there and at the same time so grateful that i am where i am.
one of the best things to see is the int'l. reaction to something that to Americans feel so personal and that we connect to and attach so much of ourselves too.

we all knew the reaction when he got elected but seeing the response to his inauguration is better cause i can see it, touch it and hear it. i have my own Irish Times with him on it AND my own supplement of the 90th anniversary of the Irish Parliament so there ya go!
I mean no one was excited as we were about it but it's funny to watch their reactions to OUR reactions. And i cried. it was a beautiful moment and is a very perceptible and inevitable shift in the future of our country.
and for the first time that i've been abroad i didn't feel like people were hating me because of where i'm from...i get handshakes instead of hate.

in other news:
last week we got a chance to run up some mountains in Glendalough and even though it was an absolutely NASTY cold and rainy day ( which oddly enough with so many of them, i have a new found appreciation for!) it was soooo nice to be outside and walking and hiking and just being in the elements and the views were BREATHTAKING (also these were the source of the water used to make guiness so what could be wrong..?!)

and this week i've just been laying low, waiting on the fund-age, which is FINALLY in my account and available as of tomorrow! there will be celebratory tapas and wine and we're hitting a street market tomorrow morning! could NOT be more excited!

ALSO i had my interview with Medecins Sans Frontieres this past Monday! AND found out today that i got it for sure!! very VERY exciting! i know a lot of the work i'm doing is grunt work but i'm very curious and interested just to see what i could be doing when i graduate and just figure things out and solidify them a bit more! (plus they're giving me a travel and meal stipend so WOOTTT!)

out tonight for some much-needed adventures on the town (first time i've let myself out since the first weekend) we shall seee

new heights

in every sense....
today i introduced my poor, unsuspecting roommate to an aspect of myself that not many people get to see, my secret love for Hannah Montana/ Miley Cyrus music! i credit this to my dear dominique and the darlings for whom i've babysat and all the kids i've volunteered with...cause i mean if you don't know Hannah Montana even now, you're NOTHING with these kids, i tell ya!

but in other news on my actual journeys through the great land of eire...

i have to go all the way back to last Sunday for the purposes of a well-documented and accurately time-framed adventure

last Sunday we decided it'd be a swell idea to journey to the coast, in particular the Northern maritime petit village of Howth (pronounced like the rhyme friend of "both) which was really cute and with a nice farmers market, if rather small but the best part in the rainy wind was walking out on the stone pier thing and now i'm too tired to finish this, i wanna read my book that i got from my history teacher entitled the Twelth of July

day 3

the love affair continues, today we went to the Guinness storehouse, after of course, waking up at around 1:15 in the afternoon, i honestly don't remember the last time i did that... and it was wicked cool! then we found an all you can eat Chinese buffet....b/c what else do you do after the Guinness storehouse and before the pub?

the food was alright but it was a cheap dinner and thus enabled us to get a drink at this very cool (in terms of atmosphere and look) pub called O'Donohgue's near Trinity and then hop a last bus back

I'm more excited for our plans for tomorrow which include Howth ( a little fishing village about 20 mins north of Dublin by the DART) with an old abby and monastery and a farmers/fishers market!

OHHH IRELAND!

So, made it into Ireland yesterday and today discovered that there is nothing bad about it...at all.
I know eventually i'll find something, but for the moment i haven't found a thing i don't like!

yesterday got into the airport (i had packed up my entire room in like 5 hrs and raced to pack for the trip which is why i was 6kgs over BUT was NOT charged! but that's the only excuse for poor packing when i'm otherwise such a pro!)
found everyone as soon as i got out of security and waited for half an hour or so and then hopped on the plane, sat next to a very nice man from Dublin but who now is a Professor at Dartmouth; got into Dublin made it through immigration or whatever and got in and collapsed which is what i need to do right now cause i'm wiped after running around ALL day in city centre

yesterday we just had a little orientation thing and then went and got food to make a pasta dinner followed by a little time at our nearest pub for my first poured, Irish Guiness (and bringing it across the sea really does changes EVERYTHING)

today we had a scavenger hunt that we actually WON, and we were chilling taking our time, stopping for coffee and Errythin! quite proud really (also we did this SANS map)

then we got irish cell phones en masse and then all separated for lunch and my lunch crew ended up at this really cute restaurant/ pub that a bunch of locals were at and grabbed a sandwich and chips BUT next time i go i'm getting the Guiness beef stew!

and then we ran around the main like shopping, but just the big department stores for our basics and what not, good times though and now we know where to find the cheap stuff! good sales right now too! lovely lovely
and now back in our cozy apartments with my super cool German roommate could i be more excited that i got the only int'l. girl in our program...NO! totally stoked and she's super sweet and LOVES some BBC Pride & Prejudice... we will get along SPLENDIDLY!