11/8
So today was interesting because I approached it with new eyes. Lasterday, I took some time to go through my old journal entries from when I first arrived. They were so amusing because they made the roller coaster of culture shock and life as a Peace Corps Volunteer sooooo apparent. My entries were all about how it was tough to get used to things but that I knew this is where I was meant to be. This was what I was meant to be doing.
I'm starting to see that again but there are definitely still moments in every day when I think about home. I think about how much more comfortable I'd be, how much more control over my life I would have, how much I want to be with my family and friends. Then, as part of this daily process, I start to remind myself what a unique opportunity this is, that I will have all the time in the world with these people I miss. Two years will fly by, it'll have been full of amazing experiences and I'll be glad I did it. Not to mention all the opportunities that will be open to me after this. I usually go back and forth for a bit then push myself out of bed or tear myself away from my sudoku to go outside and look around. This always helps.
I'm starting to realize I have more control over my life than I think I do. If I let myself be blown about always, I'll always feel out of control and a little more desperate. I'm already affecting people, even if it's only in the very first stage. Saturday will be my one month anniversary at site. I have to celebrate all these little milestones. They give me something to look forward to and to see as an accomplishment. I'm also trying to see other small accomplishments. I have to say, the students are probably the most helpful for this. I understand the gratification that teachers have on a different level now. When the students actually respond to my questions because they're understanding me...it's huge.
Partly, it's because I'm excited they get the material and a big part of it is because I'm starting to enable a little more creative thought. Even if it's just a new game or song, the exposure to those things is always helpful. Slowly, they're starting to understand something outside of themselves. These moments are what ultimately bring me back off the edge. These kids will keep me here because I want to see more moments like today when I read them a book. I can just about bet it was the first time many of them had ever had a book read to them. I could tell in that they didn't know what to do. They couldn't sit, they couldn't just listen at first. Slowly, they began to understand that I would show all of them the pictures and take the time to let them absorb everything on the page.
The craziest part is, this pre-school is not for the poorest of the poor. The kids that come here all have parents that are likely both employed (a rarity here). Even so, the number of them that have books in their homes is probably 1 in 10, as a generous estimate. I still find so many things that I've taken for granted. I make just as many unwitting assumptions about their lives as they do about mine.
They think:
She's white, of course she's rich. Of course she speaks French. Of course she cooks on a fire. Of course she wants to get married. Of course she eats rice and beans everyday.
I think:
They're children, of course they've been read to. Of course they're being fed three meals. Of course they know how to color or make their own pictures. Of course they spend their pre-school time playing games and making up their own stories.
It's all a great reminder that I can't take anything for granted.
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