So I'm sorry if my posts haven't been very uplifting lately. This journey isn't known as an emotional roller coaster for nothin'. I've had some bumps recently but I'm hoping things are starting to smooth out. I would thus like to expound on something about this experience that can't be overstated...My fellow volunteers are the most wonderful support I have, or any of us has. My parents have had an outstanding ability to listen to me whine and cry and blabber on joyfully about everything and my friends have been a constant source of encouragement at every point. But those two have also been huge pulls. In all of this, while here, while trying to work, you're constantly in the midst of a trans-continental tug of war. Now, I'm sure people aren't intentionally trying to push or pull, but it happens none the less. You talk to someone and even as they're telling you how proud and impressed they are, you're thinking how much you'd like to hear that face-to-face. How much nicer it'd be to be talking about these things over drinks or a cup of coffee. They unconsciously pull you back when they talk about their life, you think about what'd you be doing if you were there, where you'd be going, whom you'd be seeing, and even when they talk about their problems, you think about how once you too thought about those problems. I mean, where are the days when you'd wonder about when your phone contract would be up so you could upgrade or how you're going to possibly get all those papers done before your caffeine buzz runs out (esp. since Starbucks closes at 10). I don't mean to trivialize those things at all, they are our concerns and in the absence of such vital concerns as "will i eat today? will there be water tomorrow?" we look to the next set. I don't think there's anything wrong with looking at those problems, it's not our fault that our problems are less life and death. Even addressing the vital problems of people here can't be done by everyone and that's good, because it'd be a lot harder for me to get here and eventually, a job. Rest assured, I will not be attempting to steal anyone's position in accounting or engineering or nursing. I guess my point is, it takes all kinds. ALL KINDS.
And though I've strayed on a tangent, my original point is I miss those kinds of problems. I miss my old life and I got a glimpse of it when I came home, and that's been a huge part of why it's been so difficult for me recently. I tend to let my mind wander and it's been wandering away from this and being pulled back by the amazing people I left at home.
But I've luckily been pushed back by my amazing people here. My fellow volunteers remind me so much of my fellow Rotary exchange students. We are the only people who understand each other. Our daily struggles are the same with little deviation. I've found by reading other Peace Corps blogs, that many of these struggles even transcend the sector in which we work or the continents on which we live. We ask of ourselves and each other the same questions. And usually, while people back home can make you happy again, only the people here can make you sane again. People at home remind you of who you were but you wonder if that's no longer who you are. You start to question everything about yourself here and my fellow PCVs here remind me I'm not crazy, 'this is how things are', 'it's all part of the process', 'you're not a failure when things fall through'. They remind me to ease up on the guilt every time I'm away from my village. They remind me to ease up on guilt every time I feel I'm not doing enough. They remind me that today is just today and you never know what will happen tomorrow...and isn't it just as likely that tomorrow will be amazing? Isn't it just as likely that some part of tomorrow will remind me why I came here? Isn't it just as likely that tomorrow I'll wonder how I could ever leave? Those people have saved me so many times and I appreciate that more than they could ever know. We all have at least one person that has been our rock through this whole experience, so thanks, Danae thanks for listening and saving me time and time, again. I only hope to do the same every now and again.
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