fake it 'til you make it.....

So as with all things Peace Corps, my feelings yesterday are drastically different from my feelings today. That fact, in and of itself might help explain the difficulty in understanding your surroundings when the most solid thing you've known (namely, yourself) is suddenly foreign to you...Especially when you've made it a point to try to know and understand your feelings, this is all very disorienting. You have no idea if today will feel like you've conquered the world or it's conquered you. And surprisingly little of that is based on what has happened that day.

Anywho, yesterday I spent time with my wonderful friend Markey and had beautiful moments eating her wonderful cooking, playing with her adorable neighborhood children and visiting my dear friends that she introduced me to. We spent a lot of time talking about my job crisis and inner turmoil as a result. At the end of it all, she had so many great suggestions for me. I felt though, that I didn't have the energy or will to implement them. I don't like that feeling. I'm a "can do" not a "can...don't?"
Today though, I've had a small renewal of strength. Mass was just as exhausting, but then after having the briefest of conversations with one of my housemates, I felt like, "hey. i should keep this up." I've been not wanting to just go through the motions of doing the things I need to, but maybe that's what I need for a little while. Maybe what I need is just to "fake it til I make it" and not base my entire self-worth on every interaction. So I'm adopting that and it's going well. I'm also pushing myself to just try projects bit by bit. I taught my kids a song about handwashing today that includes all the times they're supposed to be doing it. Now I just have to get the other teachers on board so they actually make it possible for the kids to do this. As always, the more difficult part is the latter. So we'll see. But I had fun walking down to town and chatting with people as I did, and not caring about the rest or the stares. It was a nice change of pace. So I'll keep on that and make this New Year (the Lunar New Year) my real fresh start. So yay!