a review...

So we're two weeks into the new year, 2012. Absolutely unbelievable...but, I'll save my incredulous comments on the passage of time for another post or a contemplative Saturday with not much else to do but talk to myself.
I got back to site on Wednesday, back into Rwanda on Saturday, but wanted a day to recover and then got a nasty virus that knocked me off my feet for effectively the whole week. As a result, yesterday was my first real foray back into my PCV life (don't think knocking out two books and sleeping at odd hours while trying to recover counts).
Not gonna lie, it's been a bit rough. Before Christmas, as much as I was missing home, all the physical comforts, food options, family and friends were less of a reality to me. There were 8 months of Rwanda blocking all those memories. It's like my senses had forgotten what all of those things were like. My life was what was in front of me. I understood squeezie buses and screaming children and beautiful hills and constant stares and unlimited avocados. I'd hear about things like cozy coffee shops and movie theaters and fireside days avoiding winter weather, but they weren't real to me anymore. I'm not sure how much of that was a lack of imagination or just the immediacy with which all the things around me press in on my consciousness. The things around me are so much to take in that all my energy and thoughts are consumed with their absorption and processing. BUT then...i went home.
And it was the most wonderful thing. I've never appreciated everyone and everything as much as I did in those 13 days. I ate sushi and bbq. I spent days on end curled up with my sisters and family on big comfy couches in front of fires and netflix! I got to see SO many of my best friends. It was perfection. And then I came back.
I had a bit of a transitional period in Kigali with hot showers and some other lovely PCVs and now I'm back to site.
It's been surprisingly easy to just go back to using a pit latrine and showering less often. I have some small wonderful American comfort foods to ease me back into the transition. BUT the people, it's been hard for me to find the energy to brave all my neighbors and their bizarre "Welcome Back"s. Yesterday, I was scolded for something I didn't know was wrong. One of my neighbors asked me, "Why didn't you tell me you were going home to your parents?" I didn't know quite how to say I thought it was implied when I said I was going back to America to visit my family for the holidays. So I simply made a non-committal but Rwandan appropriate noise. At this he asked, "Why didn't you tell me so I could send my greetings?"
I understood the question but didn't really understand why he would be asking that so I gave the Rwandan equivalent of "huh?" so he started speaking in French. I had actually translated the question well and now had the confirmation that this was in fact, what he was asking and I hadn't misunderstood. I replied that it was okay because I had sent them his greetings anyway.
I wasn't prepped for those sorts of questions. The return to kinyarwanda wasn't that difficult as I had spent so much of my time at home thinking it, or saying "ntakibazo" to blank stares. But it's also the pressure of all those interactions. I'm back to knowing everything I do is judged and directly impacts what I can do here in terms of work. But i've been dealing with that for the last 8 months so I'm ready to dig back in, I guess.
BUT it's the work itself that has been the scariest obstacle to me. This is a new feeling for me. I very rarely feel like I don't know where to go or what to do in my work. I'm usually 3 steps ahead and when I'm not, I'm sure that I can simply figure it out. I'll find a way to do it. It's a lot harder to tell myself that here. I had a meeting Thursday with my Assistant Program Manager. He was primarily there to discuss my housing situation (which has predictably seen no changes in the last 3 weeks). But then he also wanted to chat with me on my social and professional integration. NOW, in terms of my social integration, I wasn't real worried. Most of the people, even in my slightly larger town knew who I was and at least 1 other random fact about me. I knew this because when I walk around I hear behind me ("She's American" or "She teaches at the preschool" or "she likes kids" or "she speaks kinyarwanda"). This fact, combined with my great triumph of having more people call me by my name instead of "muzungu" the last time I went to the market, makes me feel pretty comfortable about my community integration.
Now professional integration....was it a bad sign when I wasn't even sure what that meant here? Things that have helped keep me from feeling like a total failure have included getting my kids to say "please/ thank you," all the amazing notes from my girls at Camp GLOW from the affirmation wall, and the joy my cooperative women get in calling me their "co-worker." Those things help, but overall, being a 'big-picture' person it's difficult to feel as satisfied as I'd really like to by them. I don't know how to satisfy myself with small things. Any ideas? It's weird cause I LOVE the little pleasures of life. I can make myself happy with ANYTHING...why can't it translate?
I developed a list of "Work that I CAN DO" for myself and will work my way down that with giant shiny check marks and hopefully in the midst of all that, stumble onto something or a conglomeration of things that make this feel like a job where I am on top of it.