thoughts

i'm kinda annoyed because for some reason the internet won't actually let me look at my blog, just SLIGHTLY irritating
but anywho, after the 3rd day things are falling into a comfortable rhythm, i am annoyed that it seems like people want to talk to me but i can't understand them and they get bored with repeating themselves, which is completely understandable but sucks

in other news, i've been trying to find the motivation to do all this work, which is a lot, today we had a test on characters that we had only seen in the book and had to teach ourselves last night! we talked about them today and i think i would've done significantly better on my dictation had i had the kind of exposure with them yesterday that i had with them today, i just can't learn as well when i'm just looking at them myself and not really making any connections to anything i've done.

also, i feel out of it because of the language barrier and don't like that i feel like people are quick to dismiss me for that reason, like some people that i know well and would consider friends just walked by in a big group like they were going somewhere, i don't know where, but they didn't even say hey or pop into my room, which i guess i'm just not used to.
and one in particular is annoying the hell out of me, one of the aforementioned people who i don't really consider a friend or whatever who is always in a sour mood it seems, she doesn't even thinly veil her dislike for me, and i don't know what i have done to merit it, and i can't ask because well, i can't speak; but everything she says is condescending and sounds annoyed, we can be walking down the hall together and she won't even talk to me, she quips with any question i ask and it just seems random and mean. (two things i don't like in conjunction)

i know it's just a bad day, and that i'm letting it be so, but i dont' have the strength right now to pull myself out
and i guess i'm starting to look for the reason i'm putting myself through all of this, i know why i went, but maybe this time it's not enough that i felt like i wanted to and felt like i should... it's not that it's all bad, it's great and i do like learning Chinese, but i don't know, for some reason this environment is not as perfect as i thought it would be, for whatever reason...

i think though that maybe i shouldn't be looking for a purpose in everything in the first week, i need to be patient and open and positive, i feel like the problem is that i'm LETTING myself get into a bad spot but the problem is right now, i don't see why i shouldn't be slash what i have to motivate me to pull myself out...

and i don't like that i feel more negative right now than i have in some time...it's unfamiliar and ucky! and that's about as eloquent as i can be in even english right now.